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Dare I say that The Blowjob (yes, I used capital letters on purpose) is a pinnacle male sexual experience. At the very least one of them. I almost envy men who have never had their member sucked before – you are bound to have this experience sooner or later, and the first time you get sucked off will blow your mind.
Blowjobs are so good that many men are looking for ways to experience getting sucked off without a partner. This leads us to the Big Question – how to simulate a blowjob? Is it even possible?
The short answer – yes, it is possible. There are ways to simulate a blowjob without a partner. Some of these ways come pretty darn close to the real thing. In fact, some of the ideas I will discuss here are better than a bad blowjob from someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing.
In this article on how to simulate a blowjob, I will also talk about some of the techniques that you should NOT use. That way you can avoid some nasty mistakes of other men. Some of these men have ended up in the hospital due to these practices so I think that some cautionary tales are more than relevant for an article like this.
Ready to start?
Here are some ideas, techniques, and toys for simulating a blowjob:
• Magic Eyes La Bocca Della Verita
• The moisturizer/shampoo bottle method
And here are some blowjob simulation methods you should NOT use:
A Blowjob Machine
I am sure that men new to sex toys are collectively giggling right now. A blowjob machine? What on earth is that?
A blowjob machine (sometimes also called a c*ck vibrator) is a sex toy that is designed to mimic the feeling of receiving oral sex. Just throw some lube in and let the blowjob machine suck you off.
A good blowjob machine will come with a variety of settings – you can freely tinker with the intensity and the vibration patterns. Some of the top blowjob machines even come with VR capabilities.
For example, there are devices out there that sync with a VR-porn video and adjust the blowjob experience to exactly what you see in the video. Sounds good? It is!
Now, when it comes to pricing, different machines have very different price tags. So, whether you are balling on a budget or ready to go all-in, rest assured that you will find a good machine to suit your needs.
If you are interested in the auto-blowjob experience, feel free to check out our post on the best blowjob machines. In this list, you will find some of our favorite blowjob machines on the market.
A Turbo Thrust Fleshlight
Check price at Fleshlight
If you are reading this article, you have probably at least heard of Fleshlights. These toys are designed for both straight and gay/bi men and are generally designed to mimic the experience of vaginal or anal intercourse. However, Fleshlight has also given some thought to the oral aficionados out there.
Turbo Thrust is the Fleshlight model that is designed to feel like a blowjob. As all good Fleshlights, it has a unique chamber system that offers intense stimulation to even the most stubborn of c*cks (death grip gang, rise up!.)
The different chambers act as different parts of the mouth – you have the “lips”, a “tongue”, and a “throat.” This toy is also quite big and deep, so feel free to fulfill your deep throat fantasies with this one.
While a Fleshlight might not sound as appealing as something automated, it is still easily the second-best method of simulating a blowjob. You wouldn’t believe just how well they have designed the insides of this thing!
Magic Eyes La Bocca Della Verita
Check price at Lovehoney
Admittedly, this blowjob simulator does not look as elegant as the previous suggestions on our list. For me, it looked slightly spooky at first…at least until I gave it a try. This thing has been selling well ever since it hit the market, and when you try it you will see why.
All in all, it is a somewhat similar toy to Fleshlight Turbo Thrust. There are two key differences though – La Bocca Della Verita is temperature-responsible and has teeth.
Teeth? I can already hear the cringing of you guys! Don’t worry – these teeth only add flavor to the inner texture of this toy. These teeth are not the biting kind. Instead, you get a smooth and gentle set of chompers that ever-so-slightly tease your c*ck.
The temperature-responsiveness is also a nice touch – you feel the toy slowly heat up as your excitement grows and grows.
In a nutshell, a solid and affordable blowjob simulator. That is if you are willing to look past the somewhat odd visual design of this toy.
The moisturizer/shampoo bottle method
I hesitated on whether to include this method or not. In the end, I decided to include it. I find it one of the few super cheap methods that actually can work if done correctly.
Most men do this one wrong. They use a bottle that is half-full of the original cleansing liquid. DON’T DO THIS! While the slippery and soapy texture might feel great at first, it will cause irritation very quickly. At worst, you have to go to the hospital. At best, you will feel good for less than a minute and spend the rest of the time waiting for the itchiness and redness to go away.
To succeed with this method, you have to find a bottle that accommodates your size perfectly. You do not want anything too tight, because there are men who have had a bottle stuck on their c*ck. Don’t be that guy!
Also, completely ditch the original contents of the bottle. What you want to do is add a very generous amount of water-based lube into the bottle. Make sure to get it all over the insides of the bottle. You will also want to cover your penis with lube.
Now, stick it in and start playing with the suction. Simple as that. Many argue that this method is not effective. I disagree. This method can bring a lot of novelty and pleasure if you do manage to find a bottle that fits you perfectly and use plenty of lube.
In the following part, we will quickly dive into blowjob simulation methods and items that I DO NOT recommend using.
Vacuum cleaner
No matter how horny you get, do not stick your member in a vacuum cleaner! A scenario like this might seem innocent and funny in a teen comedy. However, in real life, it is very dangerous.
There are people that land at a hospital for this. NOT. WORTH. IT! Probably does not feel close to a real blowjob anyway.
Jelly
I am ashamed to admit it, but I’ll do it to help other men avoid the same mistake I made. Here goes…I have tried to simulate a blowjob with jelly. I was broke, young, and horny. Plus, I happened to have jelly readily available in my fridge.
At first, it wasn’t too bad. While the texture was nothing like a human mouth, it still felt novel and kind of good. That feeling lasted for a whole 30 seconds before I started to get a stingy itch near my urethral opening.
Yes, sugar feels good to eat, but it does not feel that good when it gets into your c*ck.
I immediately pulled out and carefully washed my penis. The itch went away quickly, but it was a lesson learned. Who knows what kind of rash might have developed if I would have kept f*cking the jelly.
Pies
Well, if simulating a blowjob with jelly is not a good idea, then the same goes for the pies. You do not want to stick your penis into anything salty or sugary. As you now know, I have tried…and it wasn’t pleasant.
Raw meat
As I was doing research for this article, I stumbled upon several enthusiasts saying that raw meat will give you the feel of a blowjob.
No, just no! You have to deal with the smell…plus, am I the only one who really does not get the comparison between a human mouth and a piece of raw meat.
Also, it does not take a rocket scientist to understand that this is pretty much as unsanitary as it gets.
If you want to simulate a blowjob on a budget, there are far, far better options out there. Let’s stick to eating the meat, not f*cking it!
Autofellatio
I already know that including this method in the “no” section of this article is going to raise a few eyebrows. I mean, the ability to receive a blowjob without a partner…a superpower, right?
Not really. I am not well endowed and flexible enough to test this method out myself, but I have spoken to more than a few men who have done it. And, the consensus seems to be the same – it feels more like sucking c*ck than receiving a blowjob.
Sure, autofellatio is a popular niche in pornography and I am sure that many men genuinely enjoy it.
But, an Average Joe like myself will probably just want to simulate the feeling of a pair of lips on his penis. And, for these people, autofellatio won’t probably be worth it.
If you still want to try this method out, then loads of expert content on the best positions and exercises for autofellatio are just a quick Google search away.
Hopefully, this article gave you some ideas and products to work with. You have probably already seen some of those products and ideas floating around the internet.
Think of this article as my two cents on this topic. I wanted to give you my personal perspective. A perspective that will maybe save some poor guy from injuring his penis with a vacuum cleaner or something similarly damaging to genitalia.
If you do plan on going for the simulated blowjob, then I highly suggest you go for a legitimate sex toy. DIY stuff can be fun, but the toys will do a better job in the end. Plus, you will find blowjob toys for all budgets these days. So, you will not have to overspend either.
Now, if you do want to go no-budget, then the bottle method will be the only legitimate choice. It is far from ideal, but if you find the right bottle, it will do a MUCH better and safer job than sticking your member into food.
Oh, and remember, even the best sex toys will not be as good as a blowjob from a real human with awesome blowjob skills.
On that note, I will wrap things up for now. As always, it has been an honor! Enjoy the suck, gentlemen!
