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BDSM is a huge topic that can be intimidating to get started with. There are so many different things to explore and learn about. This is why I decided to dedicate a post for men and women looking to explore this kinky and somewhat dark (in a good way!) sexual dynamic.
BDSM is a very broad term that encompasses many different types of sex play and kink. Depending on what you are into, there are some things to consider before diving in headfirst.
The two most important things you need to know about bondage play are that it is not for everyone and that it can be a lot of fun. This article will discuss how to get started with BDSM, what you should know about BDSM, and which products will be the best for beginners. Hopefully, this will help make the whole process less intimidating! What I can promise you is this – if you have a partner you love and trust, BDSM is something you will come back to again and again.
I, for one, am excited to get started. Without further ado, here is our guide to the basics of BDSM:
- What is BDSM?
- The Dominant and The Submissive
- Introducing the idea of BDSM to your partner
- Safety in BDSM – the importance of safe words
- Basic equipment for BDSM
- BDSM clothing – does it really matter for beginners?
- First time – ideas and positions
- The afterglow – aftercare in BDSM and why it matters
What is BDSM?
BDSM is a sexual practice that has captivated the mainstream ever since the hit book “Fifty Shades of Grey” from E.L. James hit the shelves. It stands for Bondage and Discipline (B&D), Dominance and Submission (D&S), Sadism and Masochism (S&M) which can be combined with other forms of sex play as well.
While I do appreciate the impact “Fifty Shades” had, the movie and the books have their downsides as well. You see, pop culture has made BDSM into something inaccessible. A sexual dynamic only reserved for brooding antiheroes and naive all-American women. This is not true. In fact, ANYONE can spice up their sex lives with some consensual BDSM!
What does BDSM usually involve? Well, BDSM can include anything from spanking to consensual torture to using restraints during intercourse or masturbation. In 2021, it is next to impossible to put a strict label on what BDSM is and what it isn’t. Roughly speaking (pun intended!), everything that combines sexuality with some form of submission/dominance can be considered BDSM.
The Dominant and The Submissive
Dominant and Submissive are two key terms used in BDSM. But what exactly do they mean? And, how to determine who is the Dominant and who is the Submissive?
First, allow me to explain the power dynamics between the Dominant and the Submissive. BDSM involves the Dominant partner exerting power over the Submissive, or “sub,” partner. The dominant person may be physical (such as being spanked), mental (such as forcing someone to watch something they’re not interested in), or both.
Now, whether you are a Dominant or a Submissive comes down to preference. Thanks to “Fifty Shades”, most presume that a man in a heterosexual relationship should be the Dominant. This is not necessarily true. If your relationship is safe, I would suggest experimenting both ways. Why not let the man be the Submissive and the woman Dominant during your first BDSM scene. And, if all goes well, try switching the power dynamics around the next time.
If all goes well and the both of you get more comfortable with BDSM, you will naturally develop a preferred role.
Introducing the idea of BDSM to your partner
First things first – you need a partner that will love and respect your desires! Thus, a perfect stranger from a club is NOT a great candidate to introduce your whips and chains to. It might seem like an exciting idea at first, but it simply won’t work in real life. But, even if your sexual communication is great, introducing the idea of experimenting with BDSM can still be intimidating. It is still a taboo subject for a large amount of people.
I want to put out something as helpful as humanly possible, so I’m gonna hit you with a little conversation template for introducing the idea to your partner. I will also give you an example of which sentences to avoid at all costs. Let’s start with an example of a good sentence.
“Name of the partner/Honey/Babe, you know how much I love our sex life, right? Well, recently, I have been thinking about trying BDSM. I think it might enhance our sex life even further. No pressure, but if this something you would be down to, why not give it a try and experiment a little.”
A sentence like this will work for two key reasons. For one, it compliments what your partnership already has. Plus, it leaves things open-ended, so your partner will not feel pressured. If he/she is still not interested, you wouldn’t want to have a BDSM session with him/her anyway. No biggie, there are other ways of spicing things up for you guys. As I said, BDSM is not for everyone.
To know what to avoid, here is an example of a sentence that will not work for introducing the idea of BDSM to your partner:
“Would you be interested in tying me up and spanking me? We NEVER try anything new in the bedroom. I already ordered some equipment because I knew you would try to talk me out of it.”
This is an extreme example, but you get the gist of what makes an opener like this awful. It is full of judgment, negativity, and aggressiveness. Even if your partner would have been open to the idea, hearing something like this will immediately put him/her on the defensive. Not good!
Safety in BDSM – the importance of safe words
As we already established, having a reliable partner is number one. If you have one, congratulations! Still, we have some work to do before we get to the gear needed, the clothing, etc.
Perhaps you have already heard about safe words? If not, allow me to introduce you to what safe words are and why you need them when engaging in BDSM.
In short, safe words allow the submissive to communicate what they do or don’t want and for the dominant to know when to stop. Why is it important? It’s because safe words help maintain the intensity of the scene (less talking, more action!) while also keeping sure everyone’s boundaries are respected at all times.
Safe words should be agreed upon before engaging in a scene. Need some examples? Well, here are the 2 most common safe words used in BDSM:
- “Red” – Commonly used for immediately stopping the scene.
- “Yellow” – This is good, but please go a little slower/less intense.
Some BDSM enthusiasts also use safe words to express their pleasure in a scene. For instance, a word like “green” can be used to signify how much you enjoy the activity you are currently in. I myself prefer to let my moans do the talking. But, feel free to use whatever safe words you prefer, however you prefer them. For some further inspiration, here is a great article full of ideas for safe words.
For now, all you need to know is that safe words have their reputation for a reason – they work!
Basic equipment for BDSM
As you start to explore the world of kink, one question comes up over and over again: “What equipment do I need?”
There are many types of equipment that can be used for different purposes in your BDSM exploration. Here is a list of some basic items that will get you started:
- Rope
- Handcuffs
- Blindfold
- A collar (leather or nylon)
- A gag (ball-gag or penis-gag)
- Sensory toys – for example, a penis ring and a clitoral vibrator
These items should give you enough variety to experiment with different sensations and positions without breaking the bank!
Sex Toy Magazine recently published an article on the best BDSM starter kits currently available. If you have time, feel free to check out our favorite BDSM kits. In a hurry and need a quick suggestion? No problem. Lovehoney All Tied Up Bondage Play Kit would be my suggestion for a first purchase. It is budget-friendly and comes with all the BDSM essentials and some sensory toys both for men and women. A great starting point for couples new to BDSM.
BDSM clothing – does it really matter for beginners?
Yes and no. From my experience, women tend to benefit more from going full-on with the experience. I am talking about going all the way – candles, a relaxed atmosphere, anticipation. You know the drill.
Women want to feel as sexy and empowered when they are trying BDSM for the first time. So, purchasing a piece of BDSM-inspired clothing would be a solid investment in my book.
Need some inspiration? Well, Yandy is probably your best bet for something inexpensive yet striking. Here are our 3 top picks for cheap BDSM wear for women looking to try BDSM for the first time:
Chain of my Existence Open Cup Bra – Intense yet tasteful. It is a harness bra with open cups. All the details here scream luxury – you have your gold chains, leather, and a well-done collar. The open cup might intimidate a beginner. Not to worry, though – an open cup with this design will flatter any cup size. A winner, this one.
Check price at Yandy
Strappy Bondage Teddy Set – Classic BDSM-wear for women. When you think of BDSM, this is probably what will pop up in your head. As a cherry on top of the cake, the set also includes an eye mask and wrist restraints. If you want to go classic BDSM on the cheap, this is the one.
Check price at Yandy
Plus Size Darker Than Before Bondage Bra Set – Gone are the days when plus-size women had to settle for mediocre erotic wear. This bra set is simply great. You have your BDSM-inspired wet look for that dark edge and you also have a satin eye mask and wrist ties that scream classic eroticism. An inspiring choice for a BDSM first-timer.
Check price at Yandy
These pieces + some passion + the novelty of trying something for the first = a night to remember.
What about the man? Well, I am not that knowledgeable about BDSM gear for men. What I do know is this – effort is important. Your man should also dress up for the occasion. If I am willing to put in the effort, I want my significant other to do the same.
Need more details? Well, let me tell you this. Once you have been teased and spanked by someone wearing a 3-piece business suit, you will realize why it helps for BOTH of you to be dressed up.
First time – ideas and positions
So, you have your partner. You also have the gear and the clothing that makes you feel sexual and awesome. What now? My suggestion – if this is your first time, experiment with nothing but the bondage itself.
Let you or your partner be tied to a bed and go from there. Just explore. How does being powerless feel? Is it scary? Exciting? A mix of both I bet. This is why people practice BDSM in the first place. That pure adrenaline rush.
After one of you is tied up, The Dominant should then take charge of the situation and start imposing some power scenarios. Let the Dominant decide on when he/she wishes to touch you and where. The element of surprise is the key here. Keep the boundaries in place. But, other than that, let the Dominant decide on everything. Let The Dominant also have the permission to engage in intercourse or oral sex if he/she wishes to do so. Sudden penetration after intense teasing while wearing a blindfold – the stuff of heavens.
When it comes to experimenting with something more intense like spanking, start VERY slow and light. Explore how you respond to the sensations and feel free to keep going, stop entirely, or even turn up the intensity. And, remember the safe words. You always need a ticket out, this is the key to succeeding with BDSM play.
All things considered, there are no positions I could specifically recommend. You guys do you. BDSM does not follow strict rules, it is all about experimentation with power dynamics and adrenaline rushes. What I can say is this – however “vanilla” you consider yourself, BDSM is something that nearly everyone can enjoy with the right partner and the right setting.
The afterglow – aftercare in BDSM and why it matters
After the restraints come off, the cuffs go back to the closet, and an O or 2 has occurred, it is time to get into some aftercare.
Aftercare is as essential as the BDSM scene itself. So, resist the temptation to roll into bed and immediately fall asleep. Communicate, communicate, communicate! What did you love about the experience? Is this something you would like to try again? Did it feel weird? Be as honest as possible and encourage your partner to do the same – it is the only way of ensuring that the BDSM experience is indeed a great fit for you guys. And, if it isn’t, it is ok too. At the very worst, you have a new experience to laugh about in the future.
Still…something tells me that most of you will be trying BDSM again in the future.
Looks like it is time to wrap up things for now. If at least one reader will be inspired to try BDSM for the first time and will spice up his/her life thanks to this article, I will be one happy woman.
Stay kinky, people!
