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Hold on to your hats, folks, time travel is on the menu for tonight. One might think that things like dildos, vibrators, and sex dolls have not been around for too long. You guessed wrong! As long as people have been having sex and getting horny, they have also invented ways of enhancing their sexual experiences.

Sexual drive is indeed one of the prime motivators of mankind. Some of the stuff people came up with is, simply put, ridiculous. At least by modern standards.

We decided to treat our readers to a list of the strangest historical sex toys we could find. Why? So that you could appreciate what we have now. These days, things like VR porn can give you an experience almost as good as real sex. We really have it good, especially considering that our poor forefathers had to settle for things like penis rings made out of goat’s eyelids and bread dildos.

Without further ado, pour one out for generations past and enjoy reading our list of the 10 most bizarre sex toys in history:

Bronze strap-on dildos

Photo: Yizheng Museum

When the ancient Chinese were not busy with inventing stuff like paper and gunpowder, they apparently liked to have a fair share of fun. Just take a look at this hollow bronze dildo! Oh, and this thing comes with a strap-on. These dudes and dudettes were seemingly well aware of how awesome pegging can be.

Jade butt plugs

Photo: Yizheng Museum

The ancient Chinese also had a thing for Jade butt plugs. These butt plugs were used on both the living and the dead. Why? To keep energies from flowing out of the body. Keeping the energies in the body is cool and all, but you just know these men and women also loved the sensation of anal stimulation.

Root dildos

We would prefer to stay grounded, thank you

Time to get a bit more down to earth, literally. What’s a poor Chinese peasant from the Ming dynasty to do when bronze dildos and jade butt plugs are not available? You turn to Mother Earth! The ancient Chinese peasants collected a certain root that turned phallic upon reacting with hot water. It is up to your imagination to decide what “lewd country-women” did with the hardened roots.

Balls filled with bird semen

I would prefer to keep my spunk to myself

You have to give it to the Ancient Chinese. Their imagination combined with their lust led to some truly remarkable ideas. This one just might take the cake, though. Chinese made small balls out of copper or gold and filled them with the semen of a famously horny species of bird. If that isn’t far enough for you, know that it wasn’t only women that entered these balls in their orifices.

Bread dildos

Phallic vibes!

By all accounts, the ancient Greek folk loved their sex. They didn’t think of sex in strict terms. Homosexuality, bisexuality, heterosexuality…things were not that clearly defined back then. One could indulge in any pleasure without any moral or legal consequence.

The Ancient Greeks were also quite inventive about their sex toys. Allow me to introduce you to one of my favorite ancient sex toys of all time…the bread dildo. Yep, you heard that right, both men and women used bread as a masturbation tool. Come to think of it…not a bad idea. Bread is pretty much as green as it can get when it comes to sex toys. And, lord knows we need to be as green as possible with the way things are going. So, is this the year to bring back bread dildos? Just kidding, let’s keep using bread for culinary purposes only.

A penis ring made of a goat’s eyelid

Do not even think about it!

If you are anything like me, just reading this made you want to pour bleach into your eyes. Apparently, in the Jing and Jong dynasties in China, making penis rings out of goat’s eyelids was a thing. Oh, and the eyelashes were still attached. Apparently, this disgusting detail added that little stimulation to an already great ring. Well, whatever floats your boat, Jing and Song dynasties. I know I will never look a goat in the eyes after reading about this toy.

Wasp stingers for penis enlargement

If only we could sting some penis instead…

Back in my high school days, there was some kind of myth going around that Mick Jagger tried bees for enlargement as well. Probably as untrue as the “Marilyn Manson removed his ribs for self-sucking”. But, stingers being used for penis enlargement seem to be backed up by the legendary Kama Sutra.

Apparently, wasp stingers were being rubbed on the genitals. Stinging + swelling = bigger penis. Makes sense, kind of. But, under no circumstances is this a good idea in modern times.

The Manipulator

Looks like something out of “The Saw”

Yes, there were vibrators before electricity. This steam-powered monstrosity was (quite appropriately) called The Manipulator. You had a separate room for the steam engine and a separate “sunny side” for having fun with this toy.

Back then, devices such as this one were meant to cure “hysteria” in women. The “hysteria” manifested itself in many ways. When women were suffering from mysterious back pains, stomach aches, or other such annoyances, the diagnosis was often hysteria. The cure for hysteria? Good old genital stimulation.

The Polar Club Electric Vibrator

Looks kind of cool, actually

We are slowly entering the marketing world. This is the first female sex toy that looks somewhat attractive with its bright green handle and neat packaging. This is also the first vibrator with different speed options. Of course, the device was still marketed as an aid for neck and hand cramps. 

One look at the box of this vibrator and you just know every woman knew exactly what this gadget was really good for. Just take a look at the grin on that woman’s face as she pushes the vibe against her neck!

Olive oil lube

Tasty and slippery

The Greeks have always had a penchant for food and sex. And, they expertly mixed the two as well. In ancient Greece, olive oil was the go-to lubricant for both anal and vaginal sex. Used by both men and women. They say that olive oil is good for external use on the skin. It is also considered a superfood. And, this stuff has been used for sexual purposes as well. Jack of all trades if I ever saw one!

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